You’re in a dark room. If it’s a room at all. You don’t know how you ended up there. You don’t know where you are. You don’t know if you’re alive. If you’re dead. You do know your worst fear is approaching you. What is your worst fear? It’s right in front of you. No, you see it because you just imagined it. This is all in your head.
But here you are, one step after the other walking into emptiness, coldness and absolute terror.
Anyone with a mental illness might relate.
I have anxiety disorder. I am always anxious. Always. I don’t know what triggers it but I find myself knowing, knowing extremely well that terror is upon me. Just that. Clueless otherwise, knowing it makes no sense I find myself in tears, counting to ten pulling my hair out. I shake. I shiver. I wait for it to stop.
I have written about Anxiety on this blog earlier. Jumping into an empty void. That’s what it feels like to me. It’s tiring, terrifying but worst of all it’s absolutely exhausting. It exhausts your stock of hope. The stock you worked so hard to build, drop by drop. Gone.
It leaves you empty. Lost. Cold. Dazed. This is the scariest part. Because, you don’t know what you might just do. Anyone who has dealt with an illness of the mind knows the dark, terrifying thoughts that float through your mind at this point. Thoughts you don’t even want to recall. You can’t believe you thought of them, but you did. Let me tell you something.
THAT IS NOT YOU.
Those are thoughts. That is your disorder. That was your illness. THAT WAS NOT YOU.
Your illness is your enemy. A parasite. It wants you to do the horrid things you think you want yourself to do. It’s the illness speaking. IT IS NOT YOU.
Think of all the times you’ve gone through the same hell but you’ve come out virtually unharmed? Look at yourself! A warrior. A victor! You , you have fought innumerable battles. You who bear no scars on you iron scaled skin, might just be breaking on the inside – but you know. You know you’ve been through this before. It is not getting worse. It’s getting stronger, maybe. But guess who is getting infinitely stronger at the same time ? YOU.
You, a miracle. A fighter. My eyes well up to think about the damage your own mind has inflicted upon you. But look at yourself. You smile you have mastered. Your words – your own. Your acts of love, of kindness – despite the parasite eating away at you. IT HAS NOT CONTROLLED YOU! All these years, living with you. You, growing, learning, fighting – anything that poses harm to you perishes at your mere sight. What do they know? If we can fight the monster that knows us inside out – and fight it everyday , we are invincible.
You have such an amazing lifetime to witness. You have the highest mountains to reach. The freshest water to taste. All these maps you have to stuff in your backpack and take off. All the adventures. All the laughter. All the tears of joy. Infinite experiences await you. THAT IS YOU.
Don’t give in.